In every heart and mind, there is the desire to connect. It’s an innate human desire to want to connect to others, but being brave so we can have it isn’t something we’ve considered before. It might cost you “fitting in” or following the crowd. You might have to develop the courage to stand alone in order to feel more like you belong than you’ve ever felt before.
A lot of us along the way have tried to “fit in” with some socially acceptable form of being, not thinking we can authentically connect with people and have ourselves and our experiences be enough.
Adults who struggle with wanting to fit in or “belong” somewhere probably have a point in time where they told themselves that was the only way to belong. “Do what Susie does. Copy Jim. Look like Sandra. This is how you’ll fit in. This is how you’ll be accepted. This is how you “win” in life.”
Often, this commentary is born in childhood experiences.
For me, for YEARS I struggled with this. I wanted to fit in SO bad, and I had NO CLUE who I was nor did I even realize at the time I had no clue who I was. So for years, I wondered why I felt drained trying to be more extroverted. I didn’t even know I was an introvert.
For years, I tried to act like my friends so my racial difference wouldn’t be as prominent.
For years, I wore my hair straight instead of curly.
For years, I carried stories about my fathers that just kept helping me repeat bad patterns and unhealthy relationships with men. I’m still working through that one.
Godddddddddd, can someone please flip the switch?! I’m exhausted from trying to fit in all the time. I don’t care to fit in AT ALL anymore. Please deliver me. I’m OVER it. I don’t want to be like her or her or them or that family or him. I want to be me. Unapologetically. And I don’t want to worry about being excepted either, because who I am and my story is just right for the right people who want to connect with me. I just want to be. That’s where I’ll most belong. Not trying to look like or be someone else.
After a damaging relationship I went through a few years ago, I reached my peak. I started asking some of the questions we’re chatting about in today’s episode, and through that self-inquiry, I performed some major heart & soul surgery on my own self-confidence.
At some point while this was happening in my life, Dr. Brene Brown starting writing books on what she was discovering in her research about love, belonging, shame, guilt, vulnerability, being brave and daring greatly.
Her work and writing has transformed my thought processes about so many things, and helped me look at things I never DREAMED were holding me back! It is a little deep yes, but it’s also so fun to discover who you are by simply learning how to ask.
In today’s episode and the next few future episodes, we’re taking a walk through some topics that stick out to me from Brene’s newest book: Braving the Wilderness.
We’ll chat about:
- Why your life and work will ALWAYS disappoint SOMEONE
- Why it’s important to start looking at and possibly changing stories you might’ve constructed as a child that are repeating in your life now causing you to get hung up in “fitting in” mentality
- One of the advantages of family pain or disappointment that can show up in adulthood that’s a true, true gift
- The danger of a lack of communication in all relationships and what happens when people don’t connect and communicate.
- How to flip the script to be grateful for certain things you’ve been through instead of being angry, resentful, or bitter about it.
- and more……
Thank you as always for listening, being the goddess of your own growth, and taking responsibility for how you show up. You are my muse.
CLICK TO PURCHASE Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
Photo by Matheus Ferrero | Sally Patti