Bachelor Girl: A Humor Column
By Modernity Guest Writer, Erika Wilkinson
If I successfully reach the age of 35 without getting married or producing a tiny human, my plan is to throw myself a Social Obligation Shower.
At this Shower all my friends will be required to bring me one or more expensive presents that I’ve registered for at a variety of retail venues. Then they all have to sit in a circle and watch me open them. Also, there will be cake.
Basically, since I was 18 years old I’ve spent an egregious number of weekends, and thousands of dollars in gifts and expenses attending/planning/participating in Wedding Showers, Engagement Showers, Baby Showers, Gender-reveal Parties, Bachelorette Parties, Weddings, Rehearsal Dinners, Panty-Parties, Sip-n-Sees, and Vow-Renewals — A.K.A. Inescapable Social Obligations.
Now, no one’s quicker with a high-pitched squeal and jumping hug when good news comes down the line for one of my girls. And as a 22 year old you can participate in the less-than-riveting Social Obligations that surround Ring-and-Womb News with the belief that before too long it will be your turn to be feted, and balance will be restored to the universe — plus there will be cake.
Then a decade slides by, and suddenly you’re at Target at 9:30 on a Saturday morning buying a pack of white onsies to go with the latest fifty dollar baby sling, because you found out at the last minute that you’re supposed to bring onesies and a present, because the onesies are needed to enter into the Mandatory Onesie Decorating Competition that will be held at this, your one millionth Baby Shower. To cap it off, you know there will be no mimosas to soften the sting, because Momma-To-Be can’t drink, so neither can you.
At some point, Society’s gotta give a girl a break, and acknowledge the raw deal I’ve been handed.
People don’t feel bad that they’ve never thrown any form of Social Obligation Shower in my honor, because I’m perpetually single, and child-free. I don’t really need help setting up my new home, getting ready for married life, or preparing to nurture a brand new human person – so they get off scott free in the Gift/Party/Cake department. Of course I’ve already bought all my own household needs — I’m a stinking grown-up who can’t live without a functioning Cuisinart, or decent set of sheets.
But I have decided that the universe has tipped too far out of my favor, and needs some straightening out. I want some payback for all the time I spent in my 20’s politely OooooOOoAhhh-ing over every baby bootie, spatula set, and lace teddy. Also, cake would be nice.
I’m not being vindictive. I’m not going to require everyone to buy $500 taffeta dresses, and get matching $80 mani-pedis. I’m not going to make anyone play disturbing party games involving ice cubes and plastic babies. I’m not going to hit anyone up to pay for a pink stretch limo that will chauffeur us around town drinking disgusting cocktails with tacky names.
But – dagnabit! — I want a frigging crème brulee blow torch. And a wipe warmer to keep my makeup remover towelettes toasty. And some panties that don’t come in a 10 pack at Walmart.
Throwing myself a Social Obligation Shower is really my only opportunity to get these things, guilt-free. I can’t buy a crème brulee blow torch that I am 100% sure I’ll only use 2x in the next decade, but that I still want with an irrational and abiding longing.
I am a responsible, adult-style woman, with a 401K and everything.
And as for the makeup-removing-wipe-warmer… le sigh. Doesn’t that just sound luxurious? There’s no rational justification for that. It is pure excessive luxury. But if it is good enough for a baby’s bum, it is good enough for my face, and I want it.
Also, my bras cost $100 a piece, because most bra manufacturers refuse to believe that 34K is actually a legit size that they should make, which means that by the time I get around to purchasing undies, my lingerie budget is tapped out, and I’m stuck with Hanes 90% of the time. I want to fart through silk, and I want my friends to collectively sponsor this endeavor.
Because when you’re a single girl in her 30’s, cherishing your friendships, and supporting each other’s life choices wholeheartedly is really what matters most. Also, every excuse to eat cake.
Photo from Pinterest