Sitting here writing this post, I can’t come up with a title. In fact, I’ve had the outline for this post done for weeks and have procrastinated writing it in hopes that a brilliant title would come to me.
Sooooo…..whatever the title ends up being, I hope it properly relays what I want to say in this post. I want you to feel the conviction, care, genuine compassion and love behind the post – not any judgment or harshness. At the same time, I want it to be direct and have us learn together at the same time.
This particular topic was born over the past several months with a lot of observation. Watching. Learning. Looking for patterns. Processing. Observing again…
A few months ago, I did a podcast on the topic of how to deal with jealous or competitive women, but there’s something even deeper that has revealed itself to me over the past month or so I wanted to teach on, and that is the other end of the issue of the “how to” deal with jealousy. Instead of teaching in this post how to overcome this inevitable struggle we will all endure at some point as modern women (which is equally as important), I realized there was a need to address a different element – WHY it’s happening in the first place. Talking about how to get through it is an important part of the conversation, but it’s not the root of the conversation. The root is where jealousy was birthed to begin with – if we can expose and learn from that, we won’t have to deal with the how as much.
If we don’t understand something, we can’t (and probably won’t) change it. If we don’t change it, we stay in bad cycles we may have created with our thoughts and thus, continue suffering. And let’s face it – jealousy feels like suffering most of the time.
I covered a few reasons in a very short explanation in the podcast episode I referenced, but I didn’t develop it the way I am going to today. It’s crazy how a little time can further develop an idea or inform a topic.
Today, I want to reveal the reasons why you may notice another female getting a lot more attention than you OR always seem to have good energy and be enjoying her life more.
One caveat: I’m not eluding to the half-dressed female getting “attention” you want. It’s pretty obvious why that female would be doing so, and that’s not what we’re going for. If that’s the type of attention you want, this is not the place or post for you.
Conversely, I’m very specifically eluding to the woman you wonder (silently) how, on God’s green earth, she commands the attention (and probably respect) and/or presence of so many people around her – even people who don’t know her name. I’m not just talking about men – I’m talking about people, in general.
How and why are they so drawn to her and not you? What are you doing “wrong”? Why, even when you mimic her is it not happening for you?
What I’m really doing today is developing an element of presence many women are unaware of – it’s the reason they may feel left out, ignored, or passed up for promotions, relationships, and opportunities. If you sometimes feel this way, pay special attention to today’s topic.
There are a few key things a woman of this caliber knows and practices. It may or may not come naturally to her – she may have worked hard on all or some of these internally, but at the end of the day, she is fully in tune with her own power and even understands why people are drawn to her (and probably otherwise NOT drawn to her). Really, that knowledge is more of her power than anything else.
Here’s what she knows you can learn from her, but can’t be mimic’d. You’ll have to do the work internally to discover your own distinct way of showing up to get like results.
There is power in her mind and in her point of view.
Point-blank and simple? This isn’t a woman carrying around a chip on her shoulder. Has she likely been hurt? Yes, and probably very badly (sometimes, those are the best women out there). She may have been homeless, sexually assaulted, gone through divorce, raped, had miscarriages, you name it. Horrific life situations.
BUT……she healed and still sees the world (somehow) as a beautiful, resilient place to serve.
ANYTHING less than this repels people from her, so she draws people because she understands the importance of a mentality that the world doesn’t OWE her for what she’s been through – she owes THE WORLD for what she’s been through – to help others heal, to serve through sharing her experiences, and to see the world as happening FOR her – not TO her.
If you miss this or you don’t have this point of view, people will keep their distance and/or continue to abuse you in relationships. The danger I see here with many women is they think they’ve moved past certain things and they actually haven’t. There’s a cluster of thoughts they’re believing that are imprisoning their ego to think that their sense of self can only be derived from “protecting” itself from the world. So day-in and day-out, this woman returns to all of her environments wondering why people keep their distance from her, why she can’t command respect the way she wants, and isn’t seeing life results she envisions.
All the while, the woman she admires who seems to have more joy understands an incredibly OPEN mind is a beautiful one. And this brings people to her. She doesn’t have to bounce around from person to person looking for conversation and connection. Conversation and connection finds HER. She actually gets to choose who she wants to connect to and how.
Don’t be the woman always looking for attention and validation – it utterly exhausts people. Be the one who has this mindset of a solid point of view and has a beautiful open mind about life. People will flock to you, then you can choose who gets to stay.
The woman you have seen who has this type of energy is the one who understands this element of being in the world. Learn by watching, but there’s nothing that can be done to duplicate it – the energy is BORN of your own internal experience and growth and learning how to work within it.
She’s Incredibly Self-Aware Beyond Where Most Women Are Willing to Go
This is a woman who’s done the confidence work of understanding her own personality, her motivations, what drives her, her childhood history, what’s in her genes, how she thinks, her weaknesses, her strengths, what bothers her deeply, where her anger triggers are, and then some.
She is IN TUNE DOT COM with herSELF.
Probably ever minute detail, too. She probably even understands her own body temperature at different times throughout the day. You think I’m going overboard, but I’m telling you that this element of who she is draws people to her sphere like bees to the honeycomb.
She’s likely done a TON of self-awareness work most women aren’t willing to do. But here’s why it’s powerful……
That level of self-awareness is so solidifying that it actually brings OTHERS peace when they’re around her.
Wait……did you actually GET that? If not, please read it again – it’s profound.
You know those people you can only be around for a day at the most (or hell, maybe even an hour)? Those people probably cause you a lot of anxiety because they are so out of touch with who they REALLY are – perhaps they’re so attached to their ego, they are downright miserable to be around (and probably also incredibly fake, as a result).
This is a key thing this type of woman understands many don’t. She knows that the work she’s done on herself makes people feel at ease around her – it’s one of the main reasons she can enter a room and command the attention of any male she chooses OR anyone she wants to talk to, for that matter. This type of energy isn’t gender-dependent.
My point? Don’t underestimate the power you can command when you do the self-discovery work in your own soul. This type of work is transformational and revolutionary to changing your environments and ultimately, the world.
People WANT to be around a woman who carries this kind of peace. People WANT peaceful lives. They’re going to want to be around this woman because there’s something about her anchoring within herSELF that makes THEM feel peaceful too. The only way to mimic this is to do the work in yourself to have this kind of self-resolve. Period. It won’t come any other way.
Her Strength = Our Power
This is an interesting concept a lot of people miss as well. What do you think the result of inner resilience and strength of one human being is on the energies of the ones in her presence or immediate circle?
The answer is power. Or likewise, strength.
What a concept, since we know that energy is consistently felt and transmitted from one person to another, even in the lightest of conversations and dialogue exchanges.
So it goes without saying that a woman’s strength actually GIVES power to the women around her who also need it.
Isn’t that a beautiful thing?
It’s also why you may notice another woman consistently drawing people to her energy space to converse with her, ask her advice, approach her for ideas, or just want to be in her presence, period.
They may be deriving or receiving something energetically from her you can’t feel – especially if you’re jealous of her. Until you open your heart space and address the jealousy root, you won’t understand it since your energy is blocking you from experiencing her in her wholeness.
Yeah, it all sounds woo-woo, but tell me if it doesn’t change things and open up your mind and heart to address your jealousy with her. I believe in what I teach so deeply.
If her strength is HER power, how can YOU discover your own strength within? Are you burying it or showing it? Observe how you may be stifling your own strength as a woman and how it could be affecting your connections.
Her Energy = Our Motivation
I’ve mentioned energy a lot, because it matters. It’s one of those things that, for me, is an absolute. I very much believe in absolutes, and energy, energetic exchange, energy fields, and energetic movements are all some of them.
Anything having to do with energy not only matters, but it’s very real. Just tell me the last time you had a “strange feeling or intuition” about something. Intuition IS energy.
So it goes without saying that another woman’s energy emits something. It’s either going to emit negativity, positivity, growth, or a world of other things.
What I’ve observed is people love and NEED to be motivated. They want their ions charged up, and the woman carrying gracious, vibrant, positive energy in her mind and body will, by nature, transfer that energy to others. PEOPLE LOVE HER BECAUSE OF HOW SHE MAKES THEM FEEL.
And we all know that people will never forget how you made them feel; they may forget what you said.
If you find yourself sitting in jealousy over another female, look at how she’s motivating others. Is she pursuing her passions? People love that because it causes them to think about pursuing theirs.
Is she going for something just slightly out of her reach? People are drawn to the ambitious because it brings out the natural human desire to find meaning in life.
When we’re energetic, we motivate. And when we motivate, we draw people. It’s not a hard equation to master – the energetic part is where a lot of people get stuck.
I’m a realist – I know we can’t or won’t be energetic all the time. I’m not talking about laughing, giggling, and always smiling. Yes, there’s an energy to that, but I’m referring to an inner energy that is internally developed and externally felt by others. It’s how a woman views the world and her life. When she’s a carrier of this kind of vibrancy, people can feel it, and they want some of that vibrant energy. Plain and simple.
Look at this as a core root of possible jealousy. In general, what energy are you putting out into the world consistently?
Soooooo…………….Personal Confession time.
This article has been sitting in my “drafts” folder for about 3 months now – no exxageration or lie. I started it back in June.
And the reason I couldn’t publish it was because I couldn’t finish writing it. Because I was jealous. Of another woman. And I have been slightly for a couple of months. BUT…..I knew a few things:
1. I HAD to work through that within myself before I could write from a genuine, raw, and authentic place for you here.
2. I needed to understand what was happening in ME and what I was actually jealous OF to fully develop the content of this article.
3. I knew it was going to take some time.
So my message to you are all of the above also.
It’s going to take time to be honest with yourself about what’s happening with this other female. It’s going to show you some things about yourself you might not have known, and it will bring you such resolve about who you are and what you have to offer when you come through it.
I finally did. I can look at her now and really honestly love who she is. I can say “she’s really beautiful” without comparing us to each other, and I can have a good spirit when I’m around her. She has no idea I was struggling with this regarding her for the past month or two, and probably never will – who knows.
What’s important is I did the work, and it wasn’t easy. I’ve done it with other women too, so I teach it from a real, raw experiential place. You can take what I’m saying and learn from it, because I’ve seen it work.
These concepts aren’t subjective, either. One of these is happening in every jealousy situation (or maybe multiple ones), but trust and know if you address these roots, you’ll get to what you’re seeking.
Your ego would have you believe it’s something ELSE that has FORM- i.e. her clothes, her car, her house, her husband, her bags, etc. NONE of that is the root of the jealousy, my dear. It’s going to always be in something WITHOUT form – spirit, soul, mind, thoughts, concepts, etc. There’s nothing wrong with thoughts – it’s when you fully identify with the thought where you start letting your ego run the show.
True teachers don’t tell you what to do – they point you in the direction you need to go and let you discover what’s there.
Let me know what you find. I’ll be here…..
All my love,
Vogue China July 2015
photography Mark Segal
model Julia Hafstrom
fashion editor Azza Yousif
hair David von Cannon
mu Lisa Storey