“People who naturally exude a balance of self-confidence and humility are incredibly attractive.”
The challenge is always going to be with that humility part though, because our egos are always ready to cause separation between us and another person, and our thoughts are always ready to run away with themselves without any questioning as to if they’re true.
In other words, it’s always going to be easier to choose jealousy over praise and negative thoughts over positive ones. Until we master the art of dealing with the ego, that is.
The less jealousy (and thus, separation) you allow between you and another woman, the more harmony you’ll feel in your relationships, regardless of how someone else treats you.
This is a spiritual principle. If you will learn it, it will change everything for you.
Today, I want to address a taboo topic, and I haven’t written in a while so I’m feeling especially expressive.
I’m here to give you some key secrets I use to keep my own self-confidence around other poised, beautiful women while not receding into my jealous ego – especially on social media, in business, and online (because whoa Nelly it can feel cut-throat if you let it).
This is not just for Millennial women either – I’ve seen a need to discuss this with 30, 40, and even 50 year old women too. There’s something in here we can all learn.
Who this post is for
You should only continue reading this if you’ve ever seen another beautiful woman walk into a room & felt your heart sink or a little bit of anxiety come over you from her beauty and/or energy. Otherwise, you’re completely exempt from anything I can teach you today. 🙂
I’m pretty sure there’s no woman who can be exempt, so I’ll assume you’re still reading. We all know the feeling of jealousy, have all experienced the feeling, and all probably wouldn’t admit the feeling openly, although we may.
The first thing I want to say is this – this is natural. I believe it’s part of our humanness to recognize the beauty around us, whether that’s an individual or a landscape, then compare our own self or world to it. As part of being an expressive creation, we’re surrounded by and invited in to enjoy beautiful things on a daily basis. Assessing people is an active part of communication, too.
So let’s just get that out up front – it’s normal to recognize and see beauty in more than ourselves and assess it in relation to ourselves.
Experience tells a story
I used to struggle with this “being intimidated by other gorgeous women” a lot. I was that girl who’s heart would sink & fall if anyone else attractive entered the room.
Personally, I discovered many things that was about, including insecurity, lack of confidence in how I looked, my weight, and a lack of self-knowledge about my own worth & who I was as a woman & what I had to offer. My skin was also an issue at one point, as I recently shared in this post.
The combination of all of those caused me to talk bad about other women who were prettier than me, gossip when it was unnecessary, and feel intimidated or less-than. Just go to a popular Instagram makeup beauty guru’s account comment section & see the hateful things women will say when they feel intimidated if you somehow don’t understand what I’m referencing. It’s awful what people who are insecure are capable of thinking, saying, and doing. Especially in an online public forum where they don’t even have to reveal who they are – that, of course, makes it easier to say hateful things.
When we see other gorgeous, smart, successful, accomplished women rockin’ it out, it can be really difficult to not feel intimidated by their poise. The worst part of it all however, is that we often won’t even admit it – to ourselves, much less anyone else. We act like it might not bother us when it really does.
And, like everything else in life, instead of asking what it’s about and questioning our thoughts (thank you, Byron Katie), we believe the thought that she doesn’t deserve to be that pretty or prettier than us, and we let our ego take over. (This is the process – you may have a different or similar thought, but this is how it happens in our brains).
We start assigning horrible attributes to her instead of seeing how beautiful she is, we find negative things to focus on instead of positive, and we find the one needle in a haystack we can (i.e. she has cellulite or a spot on her face).
I’ve even seen women try to issue this type of negativism as a compliment (i.e. “I’m so jealous that you don’t have hips” or “I wish my butt was that small.”) For the record, that doesn’t come across as a compliment – put yourself in that person’s shoes – does it feel like a compliment? 🙂
This is exactly how the ego works in self-esteem. It’s #1 goal is to separate, so in this scenario, it separates you from this other woman by actually making you think she’s better. Once you believe that, you can make all manner of decisions and believe all manner of thoughts that come straight from that belief – and those things aren’t whole, aren’t with good intention, and aren’t positive. You’re only believing bad things about her because it makes you feel better to do so. Plain & simple.
And if she happens to be a really bad person – why are you spending energy on her? Why are you still allowing any thoughts to go out on her behalf? She’s living in your mind, rent free. That ain’t cool.
This is about taking personal responsibility for your own energy management. It has to be a priority.
The Most Important Thing
The most important thing you need to know about this process is that it has spiritual energy attached to it – just like everything else in your life. Thoughts about money, relationships, spirituality, work – it all has an energy assigned to it based on what you think.
What does that mean?
It means that the negativity you allow to fester & run with in your mind is exactly what is going to show up in your own life. By sheer connection with such negative outlooks on a person who is more attractive than you, you actually become more unattractive.
Sounds crazy, but is very very real & true.
I taught this principle in another article I wrote, 15 Reasons Why Emotionally Healthy Men Love Assertive Women.
A few other things you need to know
In the past several years watching myself & other women in these situations, here’s some important lessons I’ve learned regarding this topic I want to share and hope benefit you in addition to the foundation I laid above:
Question the thoughts you think.
I believe one of the greatest reasons people suffer is that they believe every little thought that comes into their head with no inquiry as to if it’s even true. Think about it – if we’re human and capable of the things we’re capable of, why would we also not be capable of thinking things that aren’t true? We’ve got to learn to question the thoughts that enter our head about someone & why we’re thinking it or we’ll always just believe whatever pops up. You and I can’t afford to believe everything on auto pilot, because we’re flawless by nature. We need to understand why we are intimidated by another woman and where it’s coming from. If you can’t ask that, you’re not being honest from the very beginning – if we can’t be honest with ourselves, we’re not being honest with others.
Look in the mirror.
I don’t like this one any more than you might, but it’s got to be part of the equation of self love and confidential living. What does she have you might want or covet? That’s a good question to start with to get to the truth, albeit as surface-level as it might seem. And you know what? It’s okay for her to have something you want and for you to admit it – if you will. But if you ignore it, it’s just self-deception. And you may find when you question it, it’s not even true that you want what you thought you wanted. When this happened to me and I questioned it, I knew it was a weight issue back then. I wanted to lose weight, so when I saw anyone who triggered my weight issue, I assigned hatred and ill words against them. That’s completely evasive & avoidant of personal responsibility. Don’t be that woman. Look in the mirror, assess what you want to improve and do so. Don’t make it about her. She has nothing to do with the food you’re eating, the workout you’re not being disciplined enough to have or the mindset you need to do both of them – that’s on you.
Be honest & real about lifestyle.
We live in Instagram Age. Basically, you can log onto any social media outlet and see one photo & get depressed if that’s the space you’re in and what you’re allowing. One couple can go on one trip and take one photo that makes you want their life or one beauty guru can make you want to never eat again – both of which are utterly and completely ridiculous. It’s one little square with a filter and probably a planned and posed photo of whatever was happening in that one moment. Be honest & real about lifestyle – what you see is ALL you get, unless you really know someone outside of social media. And even then, you can trust you don’t know everything. When we get real about life in our mind & heart, we are less likely to feel like we’re competing with another woman.
The Compliment Stop.
This is my term for overcoming your obsession with another woman’s body or how she carries herself. In other words, yes, she may have a better body or assets you don’t have, but what do you have that she might not? One thing I’ve learned to do with my other shapely & gorgeous girlfriends is to highlight their assets as soon as they walk into my presence. “Dang girl! You’re rockin’ that dress!” What that does is it immediately shuts down my ego. I’m not allowing any space for separation or jealousy to even start. And the compliment is real. An immediate compliment is always what I try to do. I notice if I wait, here the jealousy might come or thoughts that aren’t true to seep in & seduce me into negativity or competition. (Remember this podcast episode on the difference between imitation and inspiration? Re-listen to it, if you can).
When women compete with each other instead of collaborating or finding the positive in each other, progress is hindered for the world we all want to see more of. And when that happens, it’s sad. I wish we could understand that the success of another woman is our inspiration for our own success and can be. When we bad-mouth her, her work, her success, her attempts at a better life and way of living, we are doing that to ourselves too. Nothing good can come to you if you operate in that energy space.
Apples to Apples
Another important tip? Don’t compare your progress or your self to a woman who has different means. For example, woman A may have the $$ for a personal trainer and woman B may not have the means for that right now, so she has to do her own routine. Keep it real as far as comparison is concerned. Really, comparison is really never a good idea, but you get my point with this one. 🙂
Your Personal Power
One of the main ways to be in the presence of other women of your caliber is to understand your own strengths and weaknesses equation. What makes you comfortable in your skin and what do you bring to the table that’s unique in the room? Everything about you & your values, your experience, your beliefs, the way you dress, the way you communicate, all of that – makes up a very individualistic person and point of view no one else has ever had or will ever have again. When you look at it that way, there’s no competition.
I hope these tips and little secrets help you. These are the exact things I’ve used to recognize and receive my own mantle of confidence and walk in it. If you’re a jealous type, these are going to really help you a lot.
I will say – I haven’t always been as confident as I am today, and I haven’t mastered all of these, unfortunately. However, I speak directly from personal experience that these work as ways to get better at collaboration and connection with other attractive women as opposed to competition with them.
If you have any other suggestions to share here, I would love to hear them! Leave a comment & let me know.
Thanks for reading & contributing,
PS – Sign up here to get my free audio class: 5 Rules for More Confident Relationships.
Image via Pinterest | Photography by Cameron Hammond