Recently, a friend of mine said “Tamisha, I need your advice and you’re good at giving it – I have a situation.”
This is something I get a lot, and I LOVE answering these types of questions.
Not to mention I love giving advice if it’s something I’ve experienced or know to be true. If I don’t know, I’ll say “I don’t even know!”
In this particular case, I felt comfortable giving advice about this particular scenario, and it’s one I see women deal with a lot, so it has become our second episode.
I call it “the mutual friend situation”.
In today’s episode, you’ll learn 4 very helpful tips to keep in mind should you ever deal with this in your own life.
Whether you’re the friend who is on the outside being projected onto or you’re the one who has been hurt, listen in for how I advise you to handle this.
The situation: 2 friends have a mutual friend. One of the friends fell out with the mutual friend and expects the other one to do the same.
Here’s my advice:
- Maturity – Let’s be real. Some women just simply need to grow up and into a higher level of consciousness. Just because I fall out with a mutual friend of someone else I know, I shouldn’t also expect them to no longer talk to the person. That’s immature. What’s basically happening if I do that is I’m projecting my feelings, emotions, and expectations on the other friend. “We fell out – she did this to me, now I expect you to follow suit and stop talking to her too.” No. No, no no! :-) This is not okay and not what we’re going for.
- Perspective – Put social media into perspective. Lots of people are “friends” on social media outlets and never talk to each other! Just because the friends stay friends on Facebook or some other medium online doesn’t mean they’re bff’s or that, by sheer connection online, the other friend automatically supports everything that person does.
- Manage Expectations – This is part of maturity. Each of us is her own woman. My values might not exactly match the mutual friend’s values OR the values of my other friend. That means that it’s very possible I might fall out with one of them at any given time. I have to manage my expectations that the breakdown with the two of us and our value systems doesn’t have to mean the other friend’s value systems should too. If you think about it, this is a sort of “gripping” onto the other person and showing our own insecurities. We never want to do that. We also don’t want to ignore the insecurity we know exists, which leads me to #4.
- The root of it all & self-awareness – Let’s dig a little deeper here into this. The deeper root of what’s happening in this situation is the friend is insecure. She’s fearful. At the end of the day, what’s driving her projection onto you? It’s a fear that if you 2 stay friends she might be left out. The fear shows up as insecurity. And that insecurity is manifesting itself by creating unrealistic expectations.
Leave me a comment below – have you ever dealt with this situation? How did you deal with it? Furthermore, is there anything in today’s episode you can use next time to help you?
Let me know, and thanks for listening!
Photography by Wai Lin Tse