19
May
2013

15 Reasons Why Emotionally Healthy Men Love Assertive Women

Assertive WomanIf you’re interested in being a woman who is completely irresistible, authentic, sensual, and wants people to be drawn to her for all the right reasons, assertiveness is truly the answer.

And if you think you can become that woman through trickery, manipulation, or deceit, you’re sadly very, very wrong.

Here’s the truth: emotionally healthy men are by nature more drawn to a woman who knows what she wants.

And I’m not talking about just knowing what you want from the mall next time he takes you, either.  I’m talking about a woman who truly gets it – she’s very in-tune with herself, to the point that it oozes out of her skin & decisions in every area of her life.

This can be you.  But before I give you the 15 reasons, I need to tell you – this post can dramatically change the game for you, if you let it.  

If you read it, let it sink into your pores, and share it with someone else, you’re more likely to remember it and feel more attached to taking action with these principles.

Also, you’ll notice I’m using “emotionally healthy men” as the leading adjective term for the kind of man I’m referring to.  There’s a reason for that.

An Emotionally Unhealthy Man

Emotionally unhealthy men are not what we’re going for.  What does that look like?  Controlling you (because he has his own, unannounced deep-seated insecurities), not understanding the difference in leading a household and being an asshole (sorry, had to say it because there’s a HUGE difference), and also, usually a man who demeans you and says horribly hurtful things to try to “motivate” or “help” you (often times, in public to appear “in charge”).

This post is not written for you if you’re with a man who treats you this way – unfortunately, the principles I’m giving you won’t work with him because he’s not going to appreciate the qualities – he will see them as threatening because he’s not a man who is completely comfortable with himself.  If he were, he would have no need to control, manipulate, or demean you (especially in public).

If you’re in that type of relationship, please evaluate your happiness scale and get some help – I want to see you thrive, and this type of relationship will always keep you down.

If you aren’t in a relationship at all, or you are with a man we could describe as emotionally healthy, this post is certainly better fit to serve you.

An Emotionally Healthy Man

He is ready for you.  He wants to fully support you, be all that he can be because he knows you’ve got it goin’ on!  He is comfortable with who he is in the sense that he doesn’t need or try to control you, your behavior, or your life.  He is invested in his and your emotional & spiritual well-being, and he can define to you what he loves about you (even if he’s a man of few words).

He may not have it all together (do any of us?) but he is okay expressing his feelings and needs to you.  He can accurately assess when he has hurt you, and he jumps to make it right because he genuinely cares for you.  He does not have a need to lie to you, and he will assertively ask for the same respect in return.

Okay, so since we’ve established the difference between an emotionally healthy and unhealthy man, let’s move forward (and this is by no means an exhaustive list of healthy/unhealthy qualities above – it was just a few).

15 Reasons Emotionally Healthy Men Love Assertive Women


#1

He can feel fully present.  A healthy level of assertive behavior in you lets a man know you are fully in the moment.  Right now, today, you are here & now.  You know what you want, how you want it, and you’re not afraid to lovingly & respectfully let him know that.  An emotionally healthy man will love this in you, because it lets him also feel fully present in the moment.  He can be right here in the “now” with you.  Today, he doesn’t have to feel pressure to mow the lawn tomorrow or buy your shoes.  Let him enjoy dinner with you first.

#2

He can trust you.  You may or may not have ever heard me say that assertiveness by nature is consistent, but it is.  It’s a learned behavior, not a natural strength as many think or believe.  You can actually cultivate it.  And the more you do, the more others around you will learn & adapt as well.  An emotionally healthy man will be able to trust you, because he’ll always know what to expect from you – you can be that constant in his life – not talking “predictable” insomuch as “she does that at 4pm and this at 6pm”, but knowing that you’re not wishy-washy all the time.  He can trust that what you say, you’ll do.

#3

He yearns for and wants that energy!  Assertive women exude an energy, and as an intuitive woman I can tell you, it is electrifying to the emotionally healthy male.  The mind of a man and the mind of a woman are similar in many ways, but very different in others.  He is often weighing things in his mind you’ll never fully understand, so it’s a breath of fresh air to have a woman in his presence who is exuberant, self-assured, and energetic about her life & goals.  He will soak it up all day long.

#4

He doesn’t have to worry about manipulation or trickery and deceitful behavior with you.  We’ve all seen it.  The woman who can’t get enough manipulating, going-behind-the-back, and creating scenarios just to exasperate her man or get him to “do” something specific for her.  When I see this, it first angers me, then hurts me for her.  Marie Forleo said it best in her book Make Every Man Want You: “He’s fallen for a well-executed technique.”  Not the real, authentic you.  And if you start this kind of behavior, you’ll have to keep it up in order to not ever have him know & see the real you (because you fear he might leave if he did). This is not healthy behavior, much less assertive, becoming behavior of a healthy adult woman.  Just be frank & truthful about who you are from the jump, and don’t manipulate.  Your significant other should not have to also be your attitude manager, your conversation director, and your maturity level monitor.  You can give him a little bit of a break by just being direct & loving about what you want.

#5

He doesn’t have to work as hard.  I see and know men who work so incredibly hard because their wife or girlfriend is so lackadaisical or inconsistent about her own goals or what she needs or wants (and maybe this is because she hasn’t quite figured out who she wants to be in the world yet).  And I’m not talking about an occasional mind-change about something.  I’m talking about today I want to go Europe, and tomorrow “oh wait, scratch that, I’d rather have a brand new watch instead.”  Those all-over-the-map expectations & emotions you can create keep his mind cluttered and in overwhelm.  Listen, a man already feels a need to provide for you when he loves you – why complicate that further by constant to-and-fro of expectations?  Evaluate (assertively please) what you want out of life and what’s most important to you.  Learn to share that with him in a balanced & healthy way instead of jumping all over the globe with “desires.”  And trust me when I say this to you:  He will only do this for so long until he gets completely drained & worn out.

#6

You are so incredibly fun to be with.  An emotionally healthy man loves to have him a good time, and if you are a woman who is direct, loving, present, non-manipulative, and alive, he will feel it and love spending time with you.

#7

He doesn’t have to “save you.”  Assertive (not aggressive) women tend to be very comfortable with themselves.  Specifically, the introverted woman who is assertive has a huge advantage because she’s comfortable (and often times loves) being alone.  Our culture (and reality television) paints such a cute & aspiring picture of the whole “you completed my life” love story, but it’s just not reality and it’s not healthy.  Waiting for a guy to “save you” (otherwise known as keeping you company, from being lonely, dealing with your own issues, or filling your closet with beautiful things) is detrimental to spiritual & emotional growth and evolution.  An emotionally healthy man knows when he is being “the savior” of your life, and it eventually will drive him away.  He feels the neediness in this situation.  (I’d like to add here that I think most women and men are guilty of this at some point in their lives before they knew better, including me).  Again – assertiveness is a learned behavior.

#8

You are deeply spiritual, and likely intuitive.  Most introverted women are extremely sensitive emotionally & intuitive spiritually.  We can gauge people’s moods as they enter a room, and know instinctively when someone feels a certain way toward us, without them even having to open their mouth.  For an emotionally healthy male, he will appreciate this quality about you & even learn to lean on your assertiveness regarding following it and engaging him in your intuitive insights.

#9

He knows you aren’t interested in “changing him.”  “If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?”  That’s a question by Gloria Steinem & it’s so appropriate here!  Have you ever bought anything “as-is?”  Meaning you were buying under the notion & understanding that you could not return the item, and pledged to keep it, no matter what?  So should go with dating and/or marrying a man.  Yes, we are all works in progress and should be growing & evolving together, but assertive women aren’t interested in changing a guy to fit their “perfect description.”  She fully understands that he is NOT hers to change.  I think that deserves repeating.  She fully understands that he is NOT hers to change.  That man belongs to God the same way you do – he isn’t and shouldn’t be your project or manipulative object in order to get what you want or make him feel a certain way toward you.  Emotionally healthy men love that assertive women don’t need or want to change or control them.

#10

He realizes you’re taking a risk on him.  Because he’s also taking a risk on you.  Let’s face it – no matter how assertive you are, love & a relationship is risky for both involved.  They just are by nature.  An emotionally healthy guy will appreciate & recognize this.

#11

You’re not a clueless communicator.  I love this one!  One of the advantages you likely have as an introvert is your ability to connect on a heart-healthy level.  You are a woman with deep passion, individuality, and assertive communication.  Because of your ability to have and hold deep convos, you connect with him on a level most women would only dream of.  Trust me – he knows and feels it and loves it.  When all his guy friends are sitting around talking about how their wives or girlfriends nag them constantly, he’s appreciating and singing your praises in those moments because he realizes how thoughtful, patient, and observant you are about how you communicate with him.  Your intuition, observant nature, and ability to withhold lashing out is something he appreciates.

#12

You take care of yourself and look good.  No, I’m not advocating (by any means) that you have to be a perfect “10” for an emotionally healthy man to love you.  In fact, quite the opposite can be true.  This is not about lookin’ like Denise Austin in a workout video.  This is about the way you put yourself together & present yourself.  I always tell women “you should be a wife before you get married.” Workout, buy clothes that make you feel really attractive (that fit your body), invest in spiritual & emotional well-being, eat and spend responsibly, invest in your spiritual life, keep things nice and tidy (if you know what I mean), cook for yourself, save money for the things you love & want (refer to #5), and wear perfume and fix your hair.  Look, there’s always always always going to be a more beautiful woman on the planet, without fail.  But an assertive woman knows exactly what she brings to the table, and that it’s more than just her body.  An emotionally healthy man will love this about you, because the truth is – he cares about way more than your body for the long-term.

#13

He loves your attitude about life.  Assertive women typically see the world as happening for them, not to them. They do not, by nature, embody a victimization mentality.  “My parents screwed me up so I have a right to be this way.”  “All the men I’ve known or been with have done me wrong, so they’re all really flawed and losers.”  These are thoughts that assertive women usually don’t have (there’s always exceptions), but most assertive women take ownership of the part they played in every part of their lives, even if someone just flat out mistreated them.  They’re emotionally mature enough to move on, and still love the heck out of their life.  They actively seek to rid themselves of bitterness, anger, or resentment toward anyone and forgive easily.  You don’t need a therapists chair for this – trust me on that.  You just need to make up your mind that this is the caliber of woman you are going to be.

#14

He loves your inner security.  We women all have insecurities – every one of us.  But are you constantly trying to over-compensate for those by putting another (possibly better-looking) woman on display when you’re out with your guy?  That is SO unbecoming.  And you know, it makes us look way more insecure when we do that.  Like….big time.  Even if you feel a little lump in your throat as she walks by, try instead saying to yourself, “dang….work it girl!”  You don’t need to say it out loud (even though he might be thinking it).  Just let yourself feel what you feel, give her props, and chill out.  I have to say I have learned this just this past year, and it has upped my security levels 5 times over.  Emotionally healthy men don’t want to feel like you constantly need their praise – they want to give it to you when they really feel it (unless it’s your love language, in which case they will be mature enough to do it more).  And by the way – the more you talk bad about how other women look in public, the more you’re resisting attractiveness.  If all you do in public is talk about how bad other women look (when they might not), and then wonder why you don’t feel secure or attractive during the week, you might evaluate this behavior.  You are going to get back exactly what you’re putting out there.

#15

You’re love life is anything but “boring.”  I’m not even going to use many words here, but let me just put it this way: in the “traditional Biblical sense”, if you’re passionate & assertive, you’ve got this one in the bag!

Small disclaimer:  These reasons are not exhaustive.  There are probably tons more reasons out there for why emotionally healthy men love assertive women.

If you can think of any others, I’d love to see them in the comments!  What do you have to add?

It is also not to say that all assertive women have all these qualities, or all women who are assertive will have a man who loves all of them either.  What it mostly is is a call to action – an awareness exercise, if you will.

What are you exuding?  What are you putting out there in terms of life, love, and work?  How are you presenting yourself?  

Being in my 30’s, I’ve been in a few relationships, and I have learned these over time.  I’m not perfect, and neither are you, but one thing we’ve got going for us is awareness & responsibility.  We are aware, and now we have the chance to take some responsibility.

Think of it – now that you have this knowledge, the possibilities are endless for you.  Go out there and be assertive!

Thank you for being part of this community & for reading,

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20 Responses

  1. Natasha

    Absolutely true! In my life I recognize that I am attracting better men as my self-confidence increases. Not only am I attracting men, I am happy simply being whether single or in a relationship. It takes away so much pressure.

  2. Katie

    In private life, I’ve personally found men to be initially attracted to assertive women. Women who are comfortable in their skin, comfortable in their abilities, able to admit their limitations, etc. Then the smart ones start looking for less assertive women. The not so smart ones think that if they hang with it long enough, they can change the woman into being more passive.
    It is completely different in the work place! Most men still have problems with assertive women, but happily there are the exceptions. Even after 20 years, I’ve still got men treating me as if I were their personal secretary, when I neither work for them or for their own supervisors. They take it personally when I explain that I have my own responsibilities and don’t have time to do their work for them.

  3. Joey

    I found this article as part of a Google search on assertive women in relationships. My aim was to understand what ideas/research/books are out there that talk about not just how assertive women operate in relationships but what assertiveness looks like in general. I must admit this search was more for personal reason than anything else. I’m married and am having issues with my ‘assertiveness’ which I now understand is more a hindrance than anything else. The dynamics in my relationship are such that I’m more the demanding one and my husband is more the follower. Lately I’ve grown tired of this dynamic – partly because I’ve figured out it does more harm than good – and have tried to tackle the issue head on and am at a loss as to what/how to do it.

    I’m realizing now that my assertiveness is more a self-defense mechanism than anything else. It’s a consequence of my upbringing. In essence, I set up people to fail because of my expectation that everyone leaves and no one wants to stay. It’s tough because I realize that some of the worst experiences I’ve gone through with my husband are a part of this learned behavior where you expect people to leave so you push them away until they do and heaven help them if they refuse to leave and keep coming back for more. Lots of thoughts running through my head on this subject. There certainly is a fine line between being productively assertive and downright aggressive. Hope to find my way with this one…

  4. classyt1

    Wow. I need this website/blog. This sounds like me even though with the help of the Lord I still need work. I do not have a man at this time but this is so good to know. Thanks.

  5. Anise

    Every single one of these is my current relationship that is just starting to bloom. Thank you for this. Sometimes I worry my guy might not be that assertive, but he’s definitely emotionally healthy. And that’s one step ahead of the game.

  6. JP

    I would like to express a deep sense of gratitude and respect for your thoughts. I truly believe in these principles and believe like attracts like. Among the many challenges I find with relationships, are often due to one sided unrealistic expectations we men have for women, and vice-versa.
    The most dangerous comment a person can make in a relationship is- “My partner needs to change”. Until this day, I have not seen a couple succeed with that kind of mentality.

  7. Great job Tamishaford! Thanks for articulating something I believed in my heart and spirit to be true but needed to see it mirrored “out there” to truly know it for myself. Thank-you for talk8ng the time to write this piece. I really appreciate your voice and I have already passed the article on to two of my girlfriends who I think would appreciate your take on things. I completely agree with MIC. Again, thanks! ♡

  8. Brenda

    I found this as a Google search. I’m Trying to figure out how to be assertive in life and in the bedroom as my man is drawn to assertive women. In reading this I Learned I don’t need to Learn to be, I already am and didn’t realize it. Gave me the knowledge to keep up doing what I do. I loved the one about if shoe doesnt fit change foot. I live by that, I don’t put up with less than I deserve, there’s someone else out there willing to provide that if you can’t attitude.

  9. K

    I don’t have enough time to truly put into words how this has impacted me. I’m recovering from my husband’s infidelity. I won’t get into the details here nor do I feel the need to address or defend him here, but we are staying together and working it out. He is working tirelessly to make things right and give me room to heal and while he does that, I am working on me – something he has always wanted me to do. I am a submissive women who has an assertive women trapped inside of her. And the thing is, he has laid out a carpet for me to be assertive and I almost feel like you have given me a path to realizing who I really am inside. Again, hard to explain here in the comments section. I look forward to reading and learning from your website. I may have found my muse!

    1. Kenyatta,

      This made my whole day, and I’m delighted you found resonance here! SO glad to have you be a part of this vision. Praying for your healing in your relationship.

      So much love & gratitude,
      Tamisha

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